I was journaling the other day when I realised that what I need to keep depression at bay is not exercise, although it’s good for my mental and physical state, but pursuing my dreams. Doing what I said I would do, setting the steps in the direction of my life’s vision. Being the person I want to be.
Looking back I can see that depression started to set in when I shifted my focus from writing and translating to my work at the library. At that time I thought that growing in this job was what I suppose to want and do. I saw the possibilities and that I was capable of more and went after it. Completely abandoning the most important part of me in the process.
I was talking about writing and translating, but I wasn’t doing much of it, really. I wasn’t here, I wasn’t filling the pages, I wasn’t discovering interesting books to translate. I was a librarian and I want it to prove to the world that I was worthy of this job.
I loved my library job, I really enjoyed being surrounded by books and people who are as much interested in the as I am. I just shouldn’t have to pursuit the upwards career path. I should have stayed in the service desk position and focus on my writing and translating.
Abandoning my creative self, the true me, made me depressed. I didn’t understand back then why I was so unhappy. I was successful, I was growing in my job, I should have been happy. Or that’s what I thought at the time.
Now that I know what’s good for me, I promised myself to never make this mistake again. To never put my writing, my creativity, on hold. I need to keep going. That’s the most important thing.