I like my slow mornings, but I think I’ve become a little bit too good at them. I need to speed them up a little bit. It takes me too long to get to my desk and the longer it takes the more difficult it becomes.
I have work to do. I need to work. Work is good for my head. I want to work hard, a want to be busy. I need that too.
I know that structure is good for me, and that sitting around and just being is not. When I’m not busy, I tend to think too much. And overthinking causes anxiety.
I actually feel best when I just go and do stuff, without thinking too much about it. That’s how I used to be. When I wanted something, I simply worked for it. Even if I wasn’t sure if it will work out, if it’s within my reach. I just did it. I had Pippi Longstocking approach “I have never tried that before, so I think I should definitely be able to do that.”
I’m getting there. I’m almost back at my old self, but it’s still work in progress. But I want to get there, so I will.
Every morning one of my cats, Jack, will ask my attention at the table. He’ll circle my chair, complaining loudly, until I pull the chair next to me from under the table. He’ll jump on it and request my attention. So I drink my tea with him at least until he settles to sleep.
A few months ago he wanted to sit on my lap, which was lovely, but not very practical. Eating breakfast with him on my lap was a challenge as he was trying to steal my eggs or parts of my sandwich. So I’m happy he discovered the chair next to me.
He’ll stay there as long as I’m sitting at the table. Sometimes a little bit longer, but in the mornings he tends to follow me around the house. He’ll move with me to the sofa when I sit there to do some reading. He’ll follow me to the kitchen when I clean up. He’ll even follow me to the toilet.
So when I go upstairs to work he’ll sit by the door downstairs and tell me, very loudly, how he doesn’t agrees with me not taking him with me. Sometimes I do. Then they both come up and stay in the room with me. They’ll lie down on the sofa bed and sleep. But they’re happy because they’re close to me and can always ask for my attention.
My phrase for this year is Standing in the Arena, but I’m thinking that I should probably add Movement to it.
My latest discovery is that I need to be active, mentally and physically, in order for me to be happy. Hanging around and thinking leads to depression and getting afraid of movement, of setting even the tiniest steps.
So I’m working on a new way of goal setting. I want to have a small goal for every week. Something that will bring me closer to my life’s vision and will keep me busy daily. Something that will keep my brain busy, in a good way. Something that will make feel purposeful.
There are so many things I want to achieve in my life that it shouldn’t be a problem. If I just keep my vision in mind, and keep working towards it, I should be fine.
Also, I need exercise, daily. It doesn’t have to be anything excessive, but I need to keep physically moving. So some days it will be proper exercise and others it will be a walk. I need to keep doing it even when I don’t feel like it. And that’s a difficult part for me. I don’t really enjoy exercising, but I’m always (well, almost always) glad I did.
I’m thinking, morning yoga and then something else in the afternoon. When my head is tired and needs a rest, I can get to moving my body. Right? Oh, I really wish it was so easy.
I’ve been observing myself closely for a while now and this is my conclusion: Sitting around, doing nothing much is very bad for me. Goals, working on something specific makes me feel happy. So even if it’s not easy, I’ll be doing it. That’s self-care. That’s working on a good future.
It doesn’t happen very often that I wake up with an empty head. No thoughts, nothing pressing on my brain. It feels weird, even though I know it’s good. It means that my dreams were not too busy nor too realistic. It means that I had a good night sleep and wasn’t lying awake for hours. So you see, empty head is good, and I wish it happened more often.
Anyway, today I woke up and enjoyed the warmth of my bed and the quiet around me. For a moment there were no cars passing, no children screaming, no dogs barking. Nothing was happening. It was amazing how the surroundings seemed to adapt to the stillness in my head.
I like quiet mornings, but that’s not something easy to achieve when living in a city. Most mornings, the square we live on is busy. People are getting to work, hustling their children to school, walking their dogs and getting impatient. There’s the occasional truck passing or an angry dog barking.
That’s why I enjoy this rare stillness. I don’t like the noise, the bustling city life. I’m ready to move. To change my surroundings, to wake up and listen to nothingness of sounds.
I’m curious, are you a city person yourself? Or, maybe, just like me, you prefer the quiet, the sounds of nature above all?